Whoever decided that Simon Birch would make a good movie should be taken out back and be severely beaten.

Now, I loved A Prayer for Owen Meany, the book on which Simon Birch is based. It made me want to go back to church. Me... who once drank holy water to see if I would go to the fiery pits of hell (which, strangely enough, I never did).

But do you have any idea what it's like to be the only one in the movie theater that knows why this ersatz Owen Meany has a dressmaker's dummy in his bedroom? Especially when the movie is about as inspirational as a Stay-Puft Marshmallow.

Simon Birch (who, I refuse to believe is anyone other than Owen Meany, thank you very much) is small for his age. Hell, he's small for my four-year-old cousin's age. Therefore, Simon will be a hero. (Just like I will look exactly like my mother when I'm forty -- like it or not.)

Simon's best friend Joe has a mother, Ashley Judd, who had better sign my adoption papers fast. She's the one piece of heaven in this movie, damn it, and she's gone after 45 minutes. So Simon has to find Joe's father, and thereby, he will be a hero.

I knew who Joe's father was before I even paid my $4.50 for the movie, because, hey, I'm literate. But even without that pesky literacy, I would have figured it out. There's only one recurring adult male in the movie besides the stepfather. And the surprises in these movies never are. Hmm, let me think, who could Joe's father possibly be?

So Simon figures out who Joe's father is (yawn), but it's not enough to qualify Simon for hero status, because Joe's father was telling Joe the truth when Simon showed up. (Aw, nuts!) So, what do the writers do? They toss a school bus full of third-graders into an icy river! (Gasp!)

Excuse me, I'm going to the bathroom, then to the lobby for more Gummi Worms. Tell me if Simon gets to be a hero when I get back.

You know how the book ends? A bomb blows off Owen Meany's arms while he's saving a bunch of kids, of course.

Sigh

I would have liked that ending more than the ending of Forrest Gump, that's for sure. Then again, I would have liked a root canal more than I did Forrest Gump.

Jennifer Matarese

Your Views

I loved Simon Birch! It was a great movie, and I believe all the actors should take full credit for making Simon Birch a great movie. Okay, sure! It does get very happy-sappy, but it gets down to the core of sending a positive message. People are entitled to their opinion, but there's no need for "in-your-face" comments.

Abbie

Who ever wrote that Simon Birch was a boring movie better think again cause that was one of the best movies most of y'all will ever see.

Jason Allison

I watched Simon Birch for English, and in a way I agree with the reviewer that is was a little predictable, but it was still an excellent movie.

Shane

I thought Simon Birch was a wonderful movie and whoever doesn't is intitled to their opinions.  But where do they get off saying that it was so boring they would rather have a route canal?  I think it should get a dozen acadamy awards and to tell you the truth, that person is no critic herself.

Duane Roberson

I thought Simon Birch was an excellent movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Who are you to say that the writer should be badly beaten?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GMoon

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