After publishing its review of John Carpenter's Vampires, Crescent Blues was contacted by representatives of VLAD, the Vampire League for Anti-Defamation. The following is a transcript of an exclusive midnight interview with a VLAD representative who asked to be identified only as "Deep Fang."

Crescent Blues: I understand that VLAD is objecting to the release of John Carpenter's Vampires, and I've seen you picketing theaters where the film is being shown.

Deep Fang: You have? You're not supposed to. I'll have to tell the picket line to be more careful in future.

Crescent Blues: But if you don't want moviegoers to see you, why are you picketing?

Deep Fang [staring intently at the interviewer]: We're aiming for a subliminal effect.

Crescent Blues [backing away slightly]: Oh… uh, I see. Well, getting back to the subject, what do you think is wrong with the film?

Deep Fang: It only reinforces the same old anti-vampire stereotypes that Hollywood has been giving the public for decades: that we should be exterminated because we're heartless bloodsucking monsters who prey humankind.

Crescent Blues: And you don't? Prey on humankind, that is.

Deep Fang: Well, of course we do. What's wrong with that? What're we supposed to do, live on tofu? We're carnivores. You're our natural prey. Why should be we blamed for living according to our natures, any more than you'd blame a cat for catching mice and birds?

Crescent Blues: So it's not the heartless bloodsucking monster part you object to then, it's the extermination.

Deep Fang: Exactly. In Vampires, John Carpenter makes heroes out of a bunch of scruffy, foul-mouthed mercenaries who go around slaughtering vampires as if they were cockroaches. There's no consideration for our civil liberties, no due process -- he's glorifying a gang of vigilantes.

Crescent Blues: And you think this is unfair?

Deep Fang: Of course it's unfair. We're citizens, too. We pay taxes. We have rights. The American public has to accept that we're here. We're not going to disappear (except maybe temporarily during daylight hours), and you're going to have to get used to it.

Crescent Blues: You don't think people have the right to object to your… feeding habits.

Deep Fang: I think it's time people learned to accept their natural place in the food chain.

Crescent Blues: Isn't that a little harsh?

Deep Fang: Harsh? What do you call a wooden stake in the heart, humane treatment? I tell you, if a bunch of cows started roving the countryside goring humans to death on the grounds that they objected to being made into hamburger, you wouldn't put up with it. Well, we're sick and tired of hearing the same old anti-vampire propaganda, and we're going to do something about it.

Crescent Blues: So what is VLAD doing about it?

Deep Fang: We realize we can no longer afford to remain an underground movement. We're coming out into the light -- figuratively speaking, of course. We're studying the Civil Rights Act, the Americans with Disabilities Act. We have a lot of members who are attorneys --

Crescent Blues: I'd never have guessed.

Deep Fang: Hey, watch it! You want your 'zine added to the defendants in the libel suit we're filing against John Carpenter and Storm King Productions? We can do it in a heartbeat.

Crescent Blues: No, no. Let's get back to the subject. I'm sure that many citizens are as outraged as you are about the hostile treatment of vampires in this and many other Hollywood productions. How can someone who wants to support your campaign get in touch with VLAD?

Deep Fang: You can't. To join, you have to be a vampire. So if you're eligible for membership, you already know how to find us. And if we want you to become eligible, don't worry, we'll find you.

Crescent Blues [stammering]: I s-see. Well, we don't want to take any more of your time --

Deep Fang: No problem; time's one thing I have plenty of.

Crescent Blues: So in closing, is there anything else you'd like to say to our readers?

Deep Fang: No, that's about it. Unless you'd like to make a donation to the cause?

[The interview was terminated abruptly.]

Donna Andrews

Click here for the Vampires review; here for more information on John Carpenter.