I hate to say, "I told you so." I prefer, "Neener, neener, neener!"

Driving home from the theater after seeing Pearl Harbor, I tried, like always, to figure out what I'd say in my review. I kept coming up with some pretty good openings, but I lacked middles and endings. So, to best sum up my thoughts and opinions during Pearl Harbor, I give you my list of rejected opening lines for this review. Enjoy!

	In Pearl Harbor, Michael Bay, the director of this movie and Armageddon, proves that he is to war movies what Kevin Costner is to apocalyptic visions of the future -- bad at them.
	Between the trite dialogue, predictable plot, and overblown cliches that litter Pearl Harbor, I never wished for a cerebral hematoma so much in my entire life.
	Welcome to Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid, war movie style. Starring Ben Affleck as Steve Martin and featuring that scene with the ship sinking from Titanic, every part where someone blew up in Saving Private Ryan, the awkward animal-crackers make-out scene from Armageddon and, in a weird ten minutes that had nothing to do with the main characters, Cuba Gooding Jr.'s Oscar acceptance speech.
	I've been trying to get my four screenplays produced for two years. I read every good screenplay I can get my hands on, and just for the hell of it, all the bad ones. Apparently, someone threw every war film script they could get into a blender, pushed "puree," and taped all the pieces back together.
	I heard only five lines of dialogue in this entire movie not plagiarized from some other war flick. And all five of them suck.
	It's no wonder this movie runs three hours. They shot half of it in slow motion.
	Pearl Harbor is the funniest movie I've seen all year. Which is really sad, because people tell me it was supposed to be serious.
	I doubt I was supposed to laugh when the Arizona flipped on its side. But I could not have been the only one who expected to hear Kate Winslet among the wounded yelling out, "I won't let go, Jack!"
	I need to wash out my brain with Spielberg.

Do you realize that if I had my three hours and seven bucks back, I could go to Borders, buy a donut, sit back with a Pearl Harbor book, and learn more than I did during this lame movie?

Look, I may not be the most patriotic kid on the block, but I have a lot of respect for war and veterans of war. If I had no taste whatsoever, this is where I would make the reference to the seamen from the USS Arizona rolling over in their graves. But since I do have some taste, do me a favor -- if you want to find out about Pearl Harbor, read a book.

Jennifer Matarese

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